Written by Thien Van Tran

Nobody wants to apply for jobs online, and understandably so. It’s a daunting task. Not only do you have to explore a vast wilderness without so much as a starting point or a map, you have to constantly fight off would-be foes who try to deter your from your path. Like Facebook or Tumblr. And in many cases, you never hear back. Or it takes forever to get a reply. But honestly, it’s not that bad. You just need to decide what types of jobs you want to find. This time around, I’ll be focusing on USAJOBS, which houses almost all of the hiring opportunities available in the United States government.

If you want a federal job, www.usajobs.gov is the place to go. There are other job boards, but they usually just redirect you to the agency website, where you will need to create an account, upload resumes, documents, etc. before you can apply. This is different. USAJOBS lets you upload documents, almost like your HireACane account, that you can reuse for each additional job you decide to apply for. Almost all USAJOBS postings, with the exception of a few agencies such as NASA, allow you to reuse documents, which drastically shortens the time it takes to complete an application.

Remember what I said about not hearing back from jobs that you’ve applied to through the internet? Well USAJOBS has a function that mitigates that. You can check the status of your job application, so that you’ll know if you’re ineligible, qualified, or selected for the next level of the hiring process, so that you won’t have to blindly wait for a response that may never come. They’ll let you know if you’ve been rejected almost immediately after the posting date ends, so if you don’t hear back, it may be a good thing. It’s beneficial to not get attention once in a while.

Another aspect that makes this federal job board so simple to use is its standardized formatting. Every posting is arranged in almost the exact same way. There is a simple description of the agency, followed by duties, then minimum requirements, then required documents, and so on. The job search takes on a much more familiar feel, so that you can quickly find the information you want rather than reading the entire page.

Starting to not look so bad eh? Well to cement this idea, I’ve compiled an extremely exhaustive list of 3 things worse than searching for jobs online.


I’ve had bad experiences with dentists. Here’s what happens to every patient who has ever gone to get his/her teeth cleaned. Immediately after forcing your mouth open he/she will try to stuff as many instruments as possible at the same time into it. Then he’ll ask you some questions to try and make small talk. You reply to each question with, “Errhmfggsjhdf.” You know, because your mouth is forced open and stuffed with more metal than Ozzy Osbourne’s iTunes. Then he will turn on some tools and immediately slice and dice your mouth. Once there’s enough blood to satisfy his twisted Edward Cullen-like needs, he’ll make a comment like, “Oh there’s a bit of blood. Try to floss more often.” Jerks.


If you cannot finish Rainbow Road in Mario Kart, you should not be able to get your license. There are two main reasons why driving in Miami is so infuriating, and both of them are because the drivers here are terrible. But it’s not just the drivers from Miami. Everyone who drives here just becomes awful, including myself. When I went back home to Virginia for Christmas Break, it was like returning home from a war zone. I didn’t have to worry about running red lights just to fit in, or constantly look over my shoulder to make sure a helmet-less motorcyclist wasn’t trying to blend in with the road. Trying to get to work on time? Sorry, the Tour de France is held every morning in Miami, and every biker thinks he’s Lance Armstrong and can keep up with cars in the middle of the highway.


Other than existing in general, there are a few things that, for some reason, make us absolutely hate spiders. But just in case you don’t already hate them with the burning passion of a twelve-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert, I’ll enlighten you. For example, did you know that the microscopic hairs on certain arachnids’ legs are so tiny that they exert tremendous forces on their prey? The only way for these poor creatures to escape is to tear their own limbs off. Some of these may be insects you don’t want anyway, such as moths (AKA ugly butterflies). To be fair, they are just trying to survive. But also to be fair, they are still spiders.